After my visit with my son in Minneapolis, I found myself in an emotional tangle. My heart, still connected to this kid in the deep ways we can only live our own babies. I was, in that moment, compelled to drop everything, find a job in Minneapolis and stay there so I could be closer to my son and an integral part of his senior year. It’s something I’ve been pondering since I saw him last March for spring break. It’s not a viable plan. Why? I dislike Minneapolis, and find Minnesota to be painfully cold in the winter. My son’s dad is angry and abusive, and my closer proximity would only trigger his threats even more.
While I was in town, it’s odd that my estranged dad FaceTimed, and I’m confident his call was instigated by my ex husband thinking they could commiserate about my crazy Vanlife. My dad tried to get in phrases like, “you’re son is better off with his dad.” Sigh. This isn’t true, but that’s where he wants to live.
This call with my dad, these goodbyes with my son and voracious threats from my ex beat me down. I cried, I ‘ran’ to a state park just outside of town and cried… some more.
This adventure has been undeniably delicious, and healing. Still, the trauma scar tissue that is embedded in different places in my heart ache fiercely. The pain of abuse, it is indelible. My dad, my ex husband and my son have all hurt me in different but equally indelible ways. I don’t want to lump my child in … but my truth is… all three of them have caused me irreparable damage. And I forgive. And I forgive. And I forgive.
When I woke up at the state park, well, when I was woken up, it was to the sound of a man beating on my door, yelling and angry. He was taking pictures of my vehicle and demanding additional fees for staying overnight. While I was calmly saying I’d happily go up to the station, he continued to yell and stomp his feet. When he left, I felt incredibly defeated, and I cried. Cried again.
Minnesota was expelling me , and I needed to push on. I meditated in a Target parking lot, asking myself… where will I be happy?
Visualizing so many of the incredible stops I took so far on this trip, one place that kept coming up again and again was this place. The beaches of Ocean Grove. So I marathon booked here in two days.
Upon arrival, my energy shifted. This is as home as i can find right now, as its tge one place in North America that rings with so much joy, amazing memories a sense of safety. When I say this, i dont mean just like its a safe neighborhood, but emotional and spiritually safe. Yes, I also feel right at home chillin’ in my van, parked by tge water, in my beach coverup, relaxing amd enjoying the breezes.
Let me let you in on a secret, this town rocks for #vanlife! showers, filtersd water stations, bathrooms, nicest beaches ans you can totally park and sleep in your van right by the boardwalk. Parking is free. People are friendly. You can walk to just about anything. The victorian architecture is well maintained. Asbury Park has tons if awesome shops ans eateries.
I am in the happy place, my happy place.